Narcissists are experts in manipulating people and undermining their self-esteem. They especially love to manipulate their own children, family members, spouses, friends and colleagues who are sensitive and empathic. Even during the holidays, they may try to feign improvement and act differently this year, but in 99,99999999% 😊 of the time this not going to happen. Narcissists can only pretend to be good for so long before their toxic and manipulative ways resurface unexpectedly.

A Manipulation Technique that Narcissists love - The Double-Bind Technique.

The term "double-bind" originated from the field of family therapy and was first introduced by Gregory Bateson and his colleagues in the 1950s. In the context of narcissistic manipulation, the double-bind refers to a type of communication or interaction that puts the victim in a lose-lose situation, making it difficult for them to respond or escape the manipulation.

Narcissists often use double-bind manipulation to control and confuse their victims, creating a sense of powerlessness and dependency. Here's how it typically works:

1. Contradictory Messages: The narcissist communicates conflicting messages, leaving the victim unsure about what is expected of them. These messages might be verbal or non-verbal and can be direct or subtle.
2. No-Win Situation: The victim is presented with a situation where any response they give is met with negative consequences. Whichever choice the victim makes, it plays into the narcissist's agenda and maintains their control.
3. Manipulative Intent: The double-bind is a deliberate strategy employed by the narcissist to maintain control over the victim. It can be used to undermine the victim's confidence, foster dependence, and create a perpetual state of confusion.
4. Emotional Manipulation: The double-bind often involves emotional manipulation, playing on the victim's emotions and vulnerabilities. This can include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail.
5. Punishment: Manipulation can take on many forms, one of which is punishment for correct perception. In this type of manipulation, the manipulator denies reality and makes you feel terrible for acknowledging it. They may even make you feel like you're the problem. This can cause you to lose touch with your perception of reality, similar to the effects of gaslighting.
6. Dictating your emotions: Narcissistic individuals (including parents) may impose their expectations of how you should feel, even if it doesn't match your own emotions. They will often attempt to make you feel guilty for not feeling what they want you to feel. They may even go as far as twisting the situation around to make you doubt yourself. This is a tactic that narcissists particularly enjoy using in public.
7. Setting impossible standards: No matter what you do, you can never satisfy them; they'll criticize every action you take. They might give you orders, and if you follow them, they'll tell you it's wrong and that they instructed you otherwise. If you do the opposite, they'll still find fault with it. The narcissist's goal is to make you feel inadequate, guilty, unlovable, worthless, and disconnected.

More examples of a double-bind situation:

The narcissist may criticize the victim for not being supportive enough and, at the same time, criticize them for being too intrusive. When the victim tries to be supportive, they are met with complaints about being too involved. If they try to give the narcissist space, they are accused of being neglectful.

• Punishment for Correct Perception: They’re denying the reality and make you feel horrible about it. They make you believe that you are the problem. The result ot this manipulation is that you lose touch of your perception of reality, similar to the effects of gaslighting. This manipulation technique makes you doubt your perception, so that you tend to ask others if what you perceive is real and more often than not tend to behave and perceive the way you are “supposed to”.You’re not connected to your inner compass, your intuition.
• Controlling the way you are supposed to feel: They expect you to feel a certain way, but you don’t. This is when the narcissistic person (and/or parent) makes you feel guilty for not feeling the way they want you to feel. And they turn and twist it around, so that you feel there’s something wrong with you. Narcissists love to do this with people in public.
• Doomed if you did, doomed, if you don’t: It doesn’t matter what you do, it is never the right thing in the eyes of a narcissist. They may give you orders that you have to follow. If you do, they tell you it’s wrong and they told you otherwise. If you do the other thing, they also tell you what you did/the errand you had to run for them/the work stuff/the decorations (or whatever). It is never the right thing. Through this manipulation technique they want you to feel a) not good enough b) guilty c) not lovable d) useless e) not belonging

The impact of double-bind manipulation can be profound, leading to feelings of frustration, anxiety, and helplessness in the victim. It can also contribute to a cycle of self-doubt and dependence on the manipulator. Recognizing these patterns is an essential step in breaking free from narcissistic manipulation and seeking support for recovery. If you find yourself in such a situation, consider seeking assistance from mental health professionals or support groups.

The holidays do not solve all problems! In some cases, they can even create opportunities for narcissistic behavior. Not every narcissist has the ability to control themselves, and some individuals with narcissistic tendencies may use this time of year to assert their personal power and manipulation tactics.

When dealing with individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits or engaging in toxic behavior, managing expectations and being prepared for challenging situations can be a more realistic and helpful approach.

Expecting sudden positive changes in the behavior of individuals with narcissistic tendencies, especially during holidays or special occasions, may set unrealistic expectations and lead to disappointment or increased stress. Recognizing patterns of behavior and taking proactive steps to protect your well-being is a healthy strategy.

Here are some strategies that individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse may find helpful:

1. Set Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate your boundaries. Be firm in enforcing them to protect your emotional well-being.
2. Manage Expectations: Have realistic expectations about the behavior of individuals with narcissistic traits. Understanding their patterns can help you prepare mentally and emotionally.
3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care during and after interactions with toxic individuals. This may include taking breaks, engaging in activities you enjoy, or seeking support from friends or therapists.
4. Create an Exit Plan: If a situation becomes too challenging, have a plan for removing yourself from it. This could involve having transportation available, a place to retreat, or a support system you can reach out to.
5. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or professionals who understand your experiences and can offer guidance and empathy.
6. Seek Professional Help: If the impact of narcissistic abuse on your mental health is significant, consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional who specializes in trauma or abuse.

It's important to prioritize your well-being and recognize that you cannot control the behavior of others. By adopting a proactive and self-protective approach, you can navigate challenging situations more effectively.

1.) We haven't learned it

Most people haven't learned how to set healthy boundaries. In families with healthy structures, setting boundaries is learned naturally, but not in dysfunctional families.

In dysfunctional relationships, we learn not to set boundaries so that we are controllable and manipulable. We are supposed to willingly allow others to overrun us and use us as a target. This makes it very easy for toxic people to deal with us. They encounter no resistance and can push us around at will.

We learn that we are seen as bad, cheeky, or mean when we say "this far and no further!" or even say "No!" It simply wasn't accepted.

As a result, when we finally start setting boundaries, they are not respected because it doesn't come from within. This means that the energy with which we set a boundary does not match the words.

We can find good words, but people only understand "Go ahead with what you want, continue manipulating..." because the energy feels too weak.

2.) We are afraid of doing something wrong

Growing up in a dysfunctional family with narcissists usually means walking on eggshells. You are constantly on dangerous ground because someone could emotionally "explode" at any moment.

Therefore, setting boundaries with toxic people is not an easy task. They not only appear difficult but also make it hard for us.

But just because someone does not react positively to your boundaries does not automatically mean you did it wrong.

Just because some people feel threatened when you say no and set boundaries does not mean you should stop. People are often very comfortable. They want to control and manipulate us like a remote control, especially if they exhibit toxic tendencies.

3.) We don't want to hurt anyone

If Mom always reacted insulted when you said what you wanted to do or not do what she wants, it feels like you've hurt her. Especially if she emotionally withdraws or even starts crying as soon as you set a boundary.

Children in dysfunctional families are often made to feel responsible for the well-being and feelings of their parents. "See, because of you, Mom is crying now!" ... Groan... How often have I heard that? Or: "Children are there for their parents!" Yes, that's how it really was 😀

If our subconscious was programmed in this way, we automatically feel a huge guilt when we want to maintain our boundaries, just at the thought of it.

If toxic family members or guardians have frequently emotionally manipulated us and played on guilt, we naturally fear hurting someone when setting boundaries. Even if we know it shouldn't be the case, the subconscious programming often prevails.

It is then crucial to gather courage and keep practicing setting boundaries. This involves stepping out of our comfort zone, which builds more self-confidence. With practice, it becomes easier to successfully set boundaries.

4.) We are afraid of the negative reaction

People with toxic tendencies often label us as rude and selfish when we set boundaries. They often shout at us and punish us if we don't "function."

Additionally, they simply turn the tables and insult us, making us feel like bad people. This is how narcissists prefer to do it. They intentionally make us feel like we are abandoning them when we set healthy boundaries.

Some may claim that we are stupid or disrespectful when we stand up for ourselves. This is nothing but manipulation.

People who feel attacked by clear boundaries and are intimidated lack healthy self-esteem and do not value the emotions of others. All that matters to them is that their needs are met around the clock.

If you leave the room because of gaslighting and aggression from the toxic person, they immediately twist the facts and claim that it's your boundaries that caused the problem. Or they simply say you are the problem, typical behavior from narcissists.

They love to claim that you are abandoning them or not loving them.

5.) We don't know how to go about it

Since we haven't learned it and have experienced unnecessary unhealthy reactions from adults or those who claim to be adults, it's only natural to feel insecure when it comes to setting boundaries.

How do you set boundaries without causing conflicts? It's really not easy, and sometimes it simply can't be done without conflicts. Healthy people understand you, toxic people do not understand and do not respect you.

The simplest method is often the most effective:

• Think carefully about what you want to say beforehand.
• Politely and neutrally state the boundary you are setting, for example: "I am going away for the weekend and do not want anyone to use my computer in the meantime."
• Say what you will do if this boundary is not respected. For example: "If my computer is still used without my permission during this time, I will not bring it home anymore."
• Don't feel guilty!
• Say it kindly and clearly, without using "You." Phrases like "You are not allowed" or "You did...!" feel like an attack to most people.
• Do not explain why you are setting the boundary, as this gives contrary narcissistic people the opportunity to negotiate and break down the boundaries.

Anyone who reacts insulted by setting clear boundaries is probably not emotionally mature enough.

Setting healthy boundaries is an emotionally mature action!



Narcissistic people often perceive boundaries as prohibitions, and they do not tolerate prohibitions for themselves. Therefore, they often do exactly what they are not supposed to do, even more so. If this happens repeatedly, there is often no need for discussion, but leaving the relationship may be the only solution.

Where does it come from?

Most people are not capable of self-reflection. Emotional maturity, personal responsibility, or inner stability are foreign to them. They have not matured emotionally.

Therefore, in short, they do not possess the emotional maturity for a secure, healthy relationship.

It is crucial to recognize when toxic individuals try to distort the facts by claiming that you are the problem just because you demand a minimum of respect, politeness, and consideration.

Emotionally mature individuals can naturally maintain these healthy boundaries and find it neither bothersome nor disrespectful.

People with healthy self-esteem find it respectful when someone says, "These are my boundaries!" It is a sign of strength and self-respect that they will definitely uphold.

Setting healthy boundaries only leads to conflicts with people who do not possess this emotional maturity. Dysfunctional relationships are therefore extremely conflict-ridden, while the individuals involved are simultaneously conflict-averse. This seems contradictory, but humans are often very paradoxical. Everything they try to avoid, they automatically bring about.

What to do?

It is especially important not to give up. Success comes to those who gather courage repeatedly and frequently practice setting boundaries.

By continually stepping out of our comfort zone, we can build more self-confidence. With practice, it becomes increasingly easier to successfully set boundaries.

"The journey is the goal."

The "Frame Technique"

is a mindfulness and meditation practice often used by empaths and individuals seeking to center themselves and protect their energy from being overly influenced by others. It's a form of focused meditation that can help empaths establish boundaries and maintain a sense of emotional and energetic balance.

Here's how you can practice the frame technique:

1. Find a quiet, comfortable space where you won't be disturbed.
2. Light a candle and place it at eye level in front of you, so you can easily focus on it.
3. Sit in a relaxed and upright posture. You can sit in a chair or on the floor, whichever is more comfortable for you.
4. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and calm your mind.
5. Gaze at the flame of the candle. Focus your attention on the flickering flame and try to clear your mind of other thoughts.
6. As you watch the flame, visualize a protective, energetic frame or boundary forming around you. This frame can be made of light, energy, or any material that feels protective to you.
7. While maintaining your focus on the candle flame, imagine this frame expanding and encircling you, creating a protective barrier between you and the external energies and emotions of others.
8. As you continue to breathe deeply and maintain your concentration on the candle and the protective frame, affirm to yourself that you are safe and protected from negative or overwhelming energies.
9. Stay in this meditative state for as long as you feel comfortable, usually for at least a few minutes. You can gradually extend the practice as you become more experienced.
10. When you're ready to finish, gently blow out the candle and take a few moments to reflect on the sense of protection and inner peace you've cultivated during the practice.

The frame technique is a way for empaths to create a mental and energetic boundary that can help prevent them from absorbing the emotions and energies of others. It's a mindfulness practice that can be incorporated into your daily routine or used whenever you feel the need to shield yourself from external influences.

Self-regulation refers to the ability to manage one's thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way that promotes well-being and positive outcomes. It involves being aware of one's internal state and using strategies to regulate emotions and behaviors. 

Do you have difficulty distinguishing your emotions from those of others and do other people's emotions bother you?

Do you have difficulty self-regulating your emotions?

Then try it once:

a) with the “Frame Technique”

b) with a breathing exercise that quickly regulates your emotions again.

A simple breathing exercise that will quickly regulate you again:

1. Breathe in through your nose twice in quick succession
2. Exhale completely through your mouth
3. Snap your fingers with your left hand
4. Snap your fingers with your right hand
5. Clap your hands.
6. Produce a little bit of saliva in your mouth by contracting your tounge.
7. Rub your hands together until they feel warm.

These techniques shift the focus from your amygdala back to your body.

Repeat at least 7 times or until you feel more relaxed again.

Apply the exercise sequence whenever you feel dysregulated.

It helps you to quickly activate your parasympathetic system and switch out of the sympathetic nervous system's stress mode.

Over time you will find your own method that works best for you.

Practice makes permanent!